Take Me Back To The Start
by inenochian1
Summary: We should never have come back to Star City. A tiny little post 4x08 fic.


_They never should've come back to Star city._

It's not the first time Oliver's had the thought. But, it is the first time the thought had nothing to do with him being the Green Arrow, and everything to do with him being Oliver Queen. It washes over him, leaving his skin feeling cold, and his fingers twitching, his heart rate spiking slightly as he makes his way into his home. _Their_ home. The calm that he usually feels when he enters, when he sees a pair of cherry red heels haphazardly tossed across the entrance, sees a dark purple coat draped against the couch, sees a set of identical keys as his, with a hulk fist as it's keychain, doesn't come. And that should've been the first sign telling him that he was messing it up. Instead dread washes over him. Because all he did before he left for Central city this afternoon was send her a text. It was cowardly, and stupid, and felt a lot like something old Ollie Queen would do. But he can't lie to her. Ever since she's joined the team, Oliver's done a lot of things, but he's never ever lied to her.

It hits him like a ton of bricks, like lead dropping down on his stomach from a 20 storey building, that that is what he'll have to do now. He'll have to lie to her. And that thought, it makes him feel like the worst scum on the planet. Because he's hurt her so many times already. Has made her feel underserved, unwanted, unloved. He's made her feel like he doesn't care about her, even though he knows that she's the one thing that he cannot live without. But, if there's one thing Felicity could say about him till that moment, it was that Oliver had never once lied to her. Not when it had mattered. He has always trusted her. He does trust her. With his life and heart and soul and everything that comes in between. But, when she finds out about this, and she will, because how do you even hide something this big? Oliver can't help but wonder if maybe that'll be the last straw. That maybe she'll finally realize how stupid she's been, loving him the way she does, losing herself in him the way she told him she did, wanting to spend the rest of her days with him. She'll realize how wrong she's been. How much better she deserves, and she'll leave him for someone less messed up, less complicated, better.

 _We found ourselves in each other._

God, he doesn't think he's ever hated anyone as much as he hates himself in this moment.

When enters the living room, he finds her sprawled across the couch, sleeping. It's an unusual sight, seeing her resting in the middle of the day, and as quietly as possible, Oliver makes his way over to where she's lying, a book being loosely held in her fingers, and her glasses slightly skewed. He takes them out, and gently runs his knuckles over her cheeks. They're warm, unnaturally so. She hums slightly, and presses her skin into his cool hands, and when she opens her eyes, it's not just the sleep giving the blue in them that hazy, dazed quality.

"Hey, stranger. How was Central city?" That's it. That's all she asks him. She doesn't ask him why he went, why he didn't tell her he was going instead of sending a text. She doesn't ask him anything she knows he already would've told her if he wanted to. And that? That right there breaks his heart. Because, Felicity isn't stupid. Far from it. In fact, 99.99% of the time, Felicity is the smartest person in any given room, but even more than that, she knows him. Felicity knows him like nobody else. She knows him better than sometimes he knows himself.

Oliver swallows, and musters up a smile, "Good. How are you feeling?" it was a stupid question, because Oliver's hands have now travelled over to her forehead, and she's burning up like crazy. It brings about another bout of guilt crashing through his heart. What is he doing? Being away from the woman he loves when she's in pain? He places his lips against her heated skin, and she lets out a content sigh against his cheek.

"Don't worry about me." She tells him, and pulls at him slightly till he joins her on the couch. He wraps his arms around her waist until she's basically pretty much on top of him, and kisses her hair,

"I always worry about you." He murmurs, and waits for her to say something, but she just looks at him, a slight sense of uncertainty filling her gaze, and for the first time maybe since the day they left this god awful city, Oliver thinks that maybe she doesn't believe him. And that tiny seed of doubt he has planted in her, doubt about the fact that he loves her, doubt about her place in his life? It makes his heart burn. Makes the sword piercing through his chest feel like a cake walk. He brushes her hair back till he has her full attention, till she can see everything in his eyes, on his face, because if nothing else, he needs her to believe this. If nothing else, he needs her to know this,

"I love you." He whispers fiercely, "I love you so much." Felicity's lips press together, and she closes her eyes as she buries her face in the crook of his neck,

"Okay."

That's all she says, Okay. And he feels like he's back in the bunker, thrashing the med table because he just saw the woman he loves kiss another man. Because he just lost the light of his life to another man. That's what he feels like. Like he's lost her. And this time too, just like the last time, it's all his fault. The revelation just makes him hold her tighter. Until every part of their body is touching. Until the grip that she has on his jacket is turning her knuckles white and until the lips he has pressed against her head are numb of all feeling.

 _They should never have come back to Star city._


End file.
